Category Archives: Home or Work decision

Who is teaching the male executives?

I read the article What’s Your Kids’ Wage Gap? Boys Paid More, More Profitably the other day. I have 3 sons. My husband does much of our housework. My sons are learning to do all form of chores, and are not paid an allowance.

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None of the information about girls and boys doing chores, being paid (more or less), working inside/outside the home, etc. bothered me as I know my husband and I are teaching our boys the right things. What got me? Well, how about this:

Pew found that 37% of men want stay-at-home wives, compared to 11% of women who wanted to be stay-at-home wives.

 37% of men want stay-at-home wives? Ok, I could still see my way to a blissful statement like “to each his own”, until I then read:

One of the systemic issues we face is that men (overwhelmingly the case, see below) who hold these attitudes are seriously over-represented in the very places where we need change the most — legislatures and the corporate world. For example, research conducted by the Families and Work Institute revealed that 75 percent of 1,200 male executives men surveyed had stay-at-home wives.

75% of male executives have stay-at-home wives? Out of curiosity, how many of the remaining 25% share equally the household and child care with their spouses?

But wait, it gets worse…

Employed husbands in traditional marriages, compared to those in modern marriages, tend to (a) view the presence of women in the workplace unfavorably, (b) perceive that organizations with higher numbers of female employees are operating less smoothly, (c) find organizations with female leaders as relatively unattractive, and (d) deny, more frequently, qualified female employees opportunities for promotion.

So I started reading an article about helping our young sons become better men, learning their value is neither greater nor less than a woman.

But that is not a message they will hear reinforced. Not when 75% of men have stay-at-home wives, and 37% want them.

My husband and I can address what chores my sons do. We can and do talk to them about what others perceive as gender-appropriate chores.

But who, among the 85% of Fortune 1000 companies with all-male boards will do the same for our corporate leaders? Who is teaching the male executives to change this same wage gap in the workplace?

Are we still critical of working moms?

Watching The Intern with Anne Hathaway recently, I was delighted to see a character that I could relate to. She’s a perfectionist, driven by her own passion for her work and family. While I found the need to create conflict between her and her husband unfortunate, if you overlook this, I think I’ve finally watched a working mom movie I can endorse.

The character, she was real. When she committed to something at work, it got done, and done with high quality. When she committed to her family, she was there for them.

In one scene, she is dropping her young daughter off at school and is greeted by two moms. They ask her about bringing guacamole to a party at school a following Friday, and chide her by telling her she could buy it since she’s so busy. She retorts there is no need, she’ll make it. When she re-enters her car, she says, “God, taking the high road is exhausting. It’s 2015, are we really still critical of working moms? Seriously? Still?”

Amen. And yes, unfortunately, we are, but hopefully if we can keep portraying the reality of working moms, we love our jobs and our kids, maybe we can change that.

Thank you, Anne Hathaway, for a great movie. Made my Friday night!

Are there other good working mom movies I should watch?

Traditions – birthdays together

I decided the day my first son was born that I would spend each of his birthdays with him. Then a couple years later, his brother was born, and a couple years later, the third of my amazing sons joined our family. And each year, I mark their 3 birthdays on my work calendar as Out-Of-Office. This year will mark the 12th year of this tradition, spending their birthdays with them, and I would not trade it for the world. We don’t have to do anything big. Mostly we drop the brothers off at school, then we have a morning activity typically, the Children’s Museum, Aquarium, etc., a lunch out at one of their favorite restaurants, and just spend time together. It won’t be long before my sons have more to say about how they spend their birthdays, but it warmed my heart just yesterday to hear my son whose birthday is only a couple weeks away say “yeah! I get to stay home with mom on that day” because his birthday falls on a school day. For now, we choose to spend their birthdays together. I hope when they are older and I am old, we can maintain this wonderful tradition. I’ll go wherever they are, though I may need more time off.

What special tradition do you have with your children?

 

Succeeding almost certainly means I am failing

A talented woman once said, “Whenever you see me somewhere succeeding in one area of my life, that almost certainly means I am failing in another area of my life.”

Who, you ask?

Shondra Rhimes, a successful screenwriter, director, and producer who gave an amazing 2014 Dartmouth commencement speech (her alma mater).

The moment she stated that succeeding necessitated failing, I knew she was speaking the truth. Have you heard the term work life balance? Do you know what it means?

I’m with Ms. Rhimes, it means while one thing is suffering (hopefully temporarily) the other thing flourishes, and hopefully you realize in time to run to the other side of the teeter totter before temporarily means you’ve completely ruined either thing.

Her daily mantra was exactly what I needed on a particularly difficult day, and so I …wake up every single morning and go, “I have three amazing kids and I have created work I am proud of, and I absolutely love my life and I would not trade it for anyone else’s life ever.”

The Working Mother’s Guide to Life

When I was pregnant with my first son, I read book after book. All about pregnancy, the first year of my baby’s life, all of it. The one I want to talk about today is The Working Mother’s Guide to Life by Linda Mason.

Mason is a mother of 3 herself, and co-founded Bright Horizons. This book helped me realize, even before I held my son for the first time, that I would return to work.

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After having read this book, I began to understand that I needed a plan for how I would be both mother and career-woman. I had waited until my career was established to begin having children, and I knew I wanted to continue it once they were a part of my life.

Mason offered insight into this thinking that neither confirmed, nor condemned it, and that was refreshing. She offered practical tips that I use to this day to help keep daily life on track. She explained how to find and offer my children the best options for care when I am not able to be with them myself. She reminded me that I have many roles to play, including wife and colleague.

If you are conflicted about returning to work, Linda eases the transition. I still cried the first time I had to leave my sons in someone else’s care (yep, cried for each one of them). I still worry about them when I can’t attend a field trip. I still feel guilt when I don’t deliver the perfect experiences for them, but I know that I am being a better mother by accepting who I am, and I know they are better kids for having to share me.